my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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