A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
