In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how does that bad decision feel?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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