in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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