You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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