Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
