And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
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