If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
