I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
