yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
