It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
