I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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