Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
