Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
