Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
