There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize