Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
