Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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