I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
