Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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