new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
