I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
