Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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