i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
