i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
