you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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