I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
