Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
