pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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