i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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