I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
