don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
