I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
