I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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