I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
