So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
ttyl tear gas
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
