I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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