Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
