im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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