One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
