Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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