I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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