Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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