also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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