The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
