Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
