Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sarcasm needs its own font
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Randomize
