I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
