So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
