Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
