I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
