I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
