I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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