You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
where are my eyebrows?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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