i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is it because I queefed?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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