Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
