I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
