Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you had me at cake vodka
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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