I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
